A Comprehensive Collection Of Cracks At Suedom
by Lt. Commander Richie
Summary: A collection of Mary Sue spoofs, with very non Mary Sue characters as the mains! Now, a laugh at the large-breasted Sues as a cast of Shinigami come to the school for the day and Warren gets thrown through a wall by a woman with green hair. Bleach x-over.
1. Fire Starting, Not Controlling

**Fire Starting, Not Controlling**

_©®™ Lt. Commander Richie_

_((This is a response to all the idiotic Gothic Pyrokinetics out here, and why they should just leave Warren the hell alone.))_

**HeLlBoYsKyHiGh**

_Well, it could be worse._

She could be in that psyche ward in downtown Brooklyn, after all. But nope. After she burned her room up, she had to go here until they finished rebuilding it. It would take about a day, and the Government paid for it, but she didn't like the place already.

Sky High.

Sure, that name was used pretty much daily around the BPRD, but she hadn't been there for a month now. She was bunking at North Mercy. But now, in the cheerful spaceship-esque halls of this High School, she was looking out of place. In a black spaghetti strap dress, black coat and black kitten heels, her outfit was completed by the black beret on her ebony hair and the Polaroid camera hanging around her neck. Now all that she needed to really complete the outfit was a scowl.

Check, erase, scribble all over the little box. She was beyond scowling now.

She had been interrogated by the Principal, then instructed in the rules of the school. Then she was interrogated by the gym teacher, and put in Sidekick class because she couldn't let her powers out without burning the school down. Then she was versed in Sidekick history by a washed up Sidekick named Mr. Boy. All in all, this was worse than hunting down a Manticore in the catacombs under the Vatican. She wanted to be anywhere but where she was now. Heck, sitting in Abe's dunk tank was above Sky High on her 'Places To Be Before I Die' list. But before she could go back to white walls, a nice jacket and plenty places to sleep, she had to survive lunch. Great. Lunch as a senior for a day at a strange school.

The halls were empty, but as she pushed open the cafeteria doors, commotion hit her hears. It was utter pandemonium, in the form of High School students eating. Gulping, she made the plunge into life in general. Locating a table where nobody could talk to her was hard, but she figured it out. In the middle of the room, pushed against the wall, was a table with only one person. With a sigh, she sat down.

"Oh great, not another G-Lol pyro. Can't you people leave me alone?" The boy at the end must have been directing the comment to her, because everyone else was giving the table a wide berth.

"You have such a disgusting disposition, it's almost funny. Just let me survive the day." She muttered, beginning to unpack her lunch. A pill bottle came out with her tater tots.

"What're those for? Are they for the voice in the back of your head that tells you to use your powers for evil?" A girl's voice broke into the murderous thoughts in her head.

"If you must know, they're to keep me from using my powers." It was the truth, actually. The girl that had spoken was a pretty redhead in a green blouse and matching skirt. A boy in blue sat down next to her.

"Great, another one. What's your name? Vanessa? Charlotte? Lillith?" The boy asked, and hands went to her temples.

"My name is Elizabeth Sherman. Now please stop talking, you're making my headache worse." Liz snapped, closing her eyes and tilting her head down.

"Be nice, yo. She's, like, mental." A boy now sat down, a girl dressed similarly to Liz next to him. The boy was in whites and bright yellows, the girl in purples, blacks and teals.

"So, Elizabeth, if that is your name, how'd you get that scar? Abusive family that you ran away from and now you're on the lam from a super villain father?" Another boy sat down, this time in oranges and plaid greens.

"No. Nothing like that. I got it at six years old when a boy threw a rock at my forehead and I decimated a playground full of third graders and the surrounding three blocks." Liz said, moving her hands from her temples to pinch the bridge of her nose. Her headache was growing worse, and if they started harassing her any more, the ball of fire in her chest would explode.

_High School sucks_. Liz decided, as the boy that had started it all spoke up.

"Wow, powerful. So, if you're such a powerful pyrokinetic, why are you here?" The boy asked. The girl in green shushed him as he started another question.

"I'm sorry if they seemed forward to you." She began, finishing her bite of salad that had otherwise kept her occupied before that. "I'm Leila. Will is next to me, Warren is next to will, next to you is Zach, then Magenta, then Ethan. So, Elizabeth, why _are _you here?"

Liz mumbled something incoherent as she uncapped her pill bottle and shook out two of the red capsules and put the top back on.

"What was that?" Will asked. Liz said it again, after downing the pills dry.

"I'm here because they're rebuilding my room at North Mercy because I burned it down during a nightmare. I'm not at the BPRD because everyone's on a manhunt for a vampire named Baron Vorsheigt Von Hiemmel. And I'm not a Pyrokinetic, I'm a fire starter!" Liz snapped, picking up her lunch and stuffing it back into the bag. "And I don't like your friend! I like someone else." Liz finished stuffing her lunch into her bag, stepped back, and snapped a quick picture of the group sitting at the table.

"What was that for?" The girl, Magenta, had been quiet until then, preferring to stay out of it.

"So I'll have something that I'll not be afraid of losing next time my room burns up because I have a nightmare about chasing that Manticore through the catacombs under the Vatican!" Liz nearly shrieked before stalking out of the lunchroom. The entire room was quiet, and Leila got up to go after Liz.

**HeLlBoYsKyHiGh**

"I don't care if I have to get a quality education for a day, if you've staked the asshole then come pick me up!" Leila could hear Liz screaming into her cellphone at someone, no doubt about the 'vampire'. There was silence, then Liz began to rant again. "He'll be better by the time you get from Romania to here!" There was a sound like a piece of metal put in a microwave, and then a severely burnt cellphone sailed past Leila's ear.

"Nice aim!" She remarked in a bubbly voice, stepping forward. Liz looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry if I hit you. Abe just makes me so mad sometimes. I didn't mean to be so snappy back there, either. I have a headache, I really don't want to be here, and I… I… I miss H.B." Liz said, sitting down. Leila sat down next to her, and flopped backwards onto the grass.

"I'm sorry about my friends. You seem like a nice person, but Will is Warren's best friend, and he's had enough of the Pyrokinetic Gothic Lolita girls that come around just to try and be with him. It's pretty sickening." Liz laughed, first starting out as a chuckle and then a full out laugh.

"I can imagine. The guy is good looking enough, but I don't think he quite fits my preferences. Sorry to disappoint." Liz said, flopping down next to Leila.

"Do you really have no control over your powers?" Leila asked, and Liz shrugged. She held up a hand, a blue fireball appearing in it. She shut her eyes and they formed the shape of a man with horns and a large right hand.

"It depends on my state of mind. Headaches are the worst, and if I'm angry or scared, my powers react to the threat. But even with no mental state involving emotions, this is what three months of training has done. It's all I can do, actually. If I throw the fire, it fizzles and doesn't go anywhere." Liz said, extinguishing the fireball with her other hand.

"Did you really chase a Manticore through the catacombs under the Vatican?" Leila asked. Liz laughed again.

"You really think a Manticore would make it _into _the Vatican, let alone _under _it? No. I was joking about the Manticore. It was Brutus, _Professor Doctor _Herman Von Klempt's trained undead gorilla." Liz laughed again, no doubt at a funny memory of the time.

"Isn't Von Klempt… Dead? He's been dead since the forties." Leila said, looking bemused.

"Nope. He's a Nazi head in a jar." Liz answered. They spent the rest of lunch that way, actually making pleasant conversation. When the bell rang, Leila got up from her indentation in the grass.

"That was fun. Too bad you're going back to a psyche ward after today." Leila said, sadness evident in her voice. Liz got up too, enveloping the green-clad girl in a hug.

"Nah," Liz started, before picking up her camera. "I think I might go to the BPRD instead."

_Will Elizabeth Sherman please report to the school hanger bay, your ride has come to pick you up._

A voice on the intercom blaring the Principal's voice was mounted above them. Leila took Liz's hand.

"C'mon, I'll show you to the hangar bay." She said, dragging the black-clad girl into the school.

**HeLlBoYsKyHiGh**

"H.B!" Liz practically screamed, bounding forward and enveloping a large, brown leather-clad mountain. Leila hung back, watching. The mountain was big and red, with black hair and… Goggles? No, those were sawed off horns. Leila's further inspection showed that he had a tail, and the ends of his boots were missing because he had hooves.

"Hey Liz!" The mountain said, enveloping the girl in a hug. Leila could his large stone hand clearly by then. So _that's_ who Liz made out of that fireball! As the trio (yes _trio_, there was a smaller, bald blue man with gills and fins standing next to H.B. and Liz.

"Hey, Leila. C'mere. I want you to meet Hellboy." Liz said, waving her hands in a fashion that suggested to Leila to come forward.

"So these are the kinds of people you hang out with?" Leila asked. "A big red guy with a stone hand and a Merman?"

"Exactly. I'd invite you to HQ sometime, bu-." Someone revved the engine of the plane the two that came to pick up Liz in.

"We're coming! Just wait a minute!" Hellboy yelled, hitting his smaller, human looking hand on the side of the plane. The merman boarded, Hellboy following.

"Bye Leila! I'll look you up some time, between the evil Nazi world domination plans and the demon cowboys!" Liz shouted over the engine of the plane, stepping forward and hugging her new friend. Then she stepped back and pulled up her camera from where she had dropped it when she had hugged Hellboy, and snapped a picture of Leila.

"Is that to hate me forever?" Leila yelled over the engine.

"Nah, it's to put on my good wall!" Liz yelled back, before jumping aboard the plane. Leila stepped back as the plane rumbled forward, the door just barely closing before it took off out the hangar doors.

_Leila Williams, please report to the Principal's office on account of missing your fourth period class._

"Oh _great_."


	2. The Dangers Of Playing With Water

**The Dangers Of Playing With Water**

_©®Lt. Commander Richie_

_ONESHOT!

* * *

_

_I'm not Goth. I'm not a hippie, I'm not a skater, I'm not a prep. I'm the girl that gets ignored and swept up in the public school tide. Haha, I said tide!_

"C'mon, Katara! Lunch started three minutes ago and I'm STARVING!" The boy in front of her was practically begging for her to move faster. He had blue eyes like his sister, and his hair was shaggy. He was dressed in blues and blacks, also like his sister.

"Sokka, the lunch isn't going to get up and move." Katara sighed, reiterating the sentence she had been saying for the past three minutes to her Junior brother. As the duo entered the lunchroom, Sokka held out a hand.

"Pay up." He said gleefully, seeing as several people's Hero Sandwiches _were_, in fact, moving. Katara sighed and dropped twenty-five cents into her brother's palm. The Sophomore turned with a swish of her blue dress and sat her bag lunch on the nearest semi-empty table. It was occupied by a Freshman with piercing gray eyes and frumpy-looking black hair.

"Hey Katara." The girl greeted.

"Hey Toph." Katara replied.

"Bye Katara." Toph suddenly said, standing and whipping out a red-tipped white cane. The blind Freshman slowly made her way across the lunchroom.

"Not _again_. You people just HAVE to sit at Warren's table, don't you?" A girl in purples and teals sat down in front of Katara.

"You're sitting here, aren't you? Toph was here too." Katara said simply, pulling a piece of jerky out of her lunch bag. As if on cue, several other people sat around her.

"Great, another one. What can _you _do? Steal people's emotions? Do magic? Half-Ghost?" A boy in red, white and blue asked.

"No, dude, Will, this one controls water. Although the Halfa _was_ pretty funny." A boy in fluorescents said, holding a hand in front of his friend.

"How can you tell, Zach? She looks like she would be another pyro." The black boy sitting next to Katara piped in.

"She's wearing too much blue, that's why, Ethan." A girl in green amended. Just then, Sokka sat down on Katara's other side.

"I don't get why you people are making such a big deal of this." Katara stated, shoving her jerky back into her brown bag rather forcefully.

"_Because_." The girl in purple and black said, as if talking to a small child. "You're a Hydrokinetic and you're sitting at _Warren Peace's _table." She finished in a very 'duh' tone.

"And that means... What?" Sokka asked around a mouthful of Sidekick sandwich. "She doesn't like the guy. I mean, if she has that _insane _crush on that father-challenged _Firebender_," Sokka spat the word out like poison, "Why would she have a crush on _Peace_?"

Katara just glared.

"So she _does _have a crush on Warren!" Will declared.

"Who has a crush on me? Don't say 'the Hydrokinetic chick', please." A gruff voice said. A dangerous-looking boy sat down next to Sokka, making him jump.

"Ok dude, I won't say it." Zach said. Katara sighed.

"Liking your friend has nothing to do with this conversation now, does it? If you're through, I'll be finding Toph and Aang. Bye Sokka." Katara mumbled, getting up and dumping her brown bag on her brother's lap. The boy grinned.

* * *

"Aang! Aang, where _are _you?" Katara had been calling for her Freshman friend for ten minutes. She turned a corner of the school building, only to see her best friends facing off against someone. Rocks were flying as Toph bent the school's lawn to throw at their assailant, while Aang was using the air to create huge gusts and attacks. Their assailant was throwing fire at them, jumping through the air as he did.

"Zuko!" Katara yelled, pulling a water bottle out of her purse and pulling the water out in a swift movement. Running at her friend's assailant, she whipped the water at the back of his head. It connected, making a loud smacking sound. The boy was swatted forward onto his face. A large mound of earth rose up around him, courtesy of Toph stamping one bare foot and making a few hand motions. The three stood around the large mound of earth in an awkward silence. Aang was the first to speak up.

"Thanks... Katara." He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah Sugar Queen, if you hadn't come in, me an Twinkle Toes would've _lost _to Scarface." Toph grinned her insane grin as she said this.

"I can _hear _every word you're _saying_." A very muffled, and disgruntled voice came from inside the mound of earth.

"We know." All three friends replied.

* * *

"She's bad news."

"My _sister _is not _bad news_." Sokka was arguing with Will about Katara. The whole group was standing in front of the main school building right after last bell.

"She's got the hots for Warren and she's got water powers. It's a basic 'individual' fanatical Mary-Sue storyline. The fact that she even _sat at his table _affirms it!" Will gave as a point.

"Dude. I've been here since Freshman year. She's been here since _her _Freshman year. The only way that sitting at Peace's table constitutes an 'individual' fanatical Mary-Sue storyline of rudimentary ideals and set standards is if we transfer in halfway through the year!" Sokka yelled. They were beginning to get weird looks.

"Wow. Big words, Sokka. You hurt yourself saying them?" Katara's voice made the two stop arguing.

"She has a point, you know." Will said. Sokka muttered something incoherent, and a spur of rock jumped up and hit him in the back.

"Whoops, I stepped the wrong way. That was supposed to go _straight up_." Toph's laughing incited more laughter at Sokka's predicament of currently having his head stuck in a hole that had just so happened to close around his head.

"For a Freshman, you certainly are sadistic." Warren deadpanned, passing the group with a scowl. He gave Katara a wide berth, like she was going to jump him.

"Zach, _what _are you doing?" Maj asked, looking at her boyfriend. He had his cellphone out and was taking a video of Sokka, who was attempting to get his head out of the hole. Toph stomped one bare foot and waved her left hand, and Sokka was suddenly thrown backwards.

"Nothing..." Zach trailed off, hitting the send button and e-mailing the movie to himself.

"Well, I'll be seeing you guys around!" Layla was yelling as she took Will's arm and drug him towards the bus. "And it's more than likely that we'll be seeing _Katara _at the Paper Lantern tonight. If that is your real name!"

"What's the Paper Lantern?" Katara asked Sokka, who shrugged.

"Beats me." He answered. The duo watched as Toph took Aang's arm none-too-lightly and drug him towards the busses. The little bald boy looked rather bemused.

"Well, I have to go do something before I leave. You can go... Save me a seat on the bus or something." Katara said, heading off in the general direction of the other side of the school. Sokka looked after his sister, a knowing smirk in his eye. Zach and Maj exchanged glances.

* * *

"Hey, Zuko? Are you alright?" Katara was asking, knocking on the still-intact earthen dome her friends had imprisoned him in. There was some muttering from inside, and a small heat-induced crack widened.

"I'm _fine_, Katara." The boy muttered, his voice somewhat clearer.

"Well you don't have to be rude about it." Katara snapped, crossing her arms and turning away. There was a sigh from inside the dome.

"Fine. I'm sorry. Now get me _out_." The last word came out as a hiss.

"Apologize like you mean it." Katara snapped again, still turned away.

"Fine. I'm sorry I was rude, please get me out?" Zuko asked, hoping that Katara would get him out of there.

"Alright." Katara said, getting up and walking towards the school building. She located the hose faucet behind the third bush on the right, and turned it on full blast. Whipping the watter into a sizable globe, she turned off the faucet and walked back to the dome.

"What are you doing?" Zuko asked, his voice sounding farther away. He must have backed towards the other end of the dome.

"Hold your breath." Katara instructed, before streaming the water into the small crack in the side. The dome filled, and she made a few motions with her hands. The water began expanding until the earthen dome exploded into a shower of mud. And there was Zuko, sitting in the middle of it.

"Thanks." Zuko said, getting up. His red and black shirt was caked with mud and his black pants were more brown than black. He had hair in several different directions, but the most noticeable thing about him was his large scar over his left eye, and his missing left eyebrow.

"Not a problem." An equally-muddy Katara said, putting a hand behind her neck. The two turned away from each other, blushing.

"We should probably go, you know. The buses don't wait." Zuko muttered, the akward silence deepening. What the two DIDN'T know, was that Sokka, Zach and Maj were currently sitting in a tree a bit to the left.

"She likes that _Firebender _with daddy problems. I TOLD you so." Sokka hissed, and the other two shrugged.

"Dude, we were just looking out for our best friend." Zach said. Maj sighed.

"So we made a mistake. Warren and this Zuko guy have the same general powers, and apparently they both have villain fathers. Does he?" Maj asked.

"His dad is a villain named Fire Lord. He's the one that gave the jerk the scar. His mom was a hero named Ursa Major, she could turn into a huge Were-bear. Now the jerk is crushing on my SISTER?" Sokka was ranting, and Maj and Zach unceremoniously slapped the boy.

"Leave them be, Sokka. I guess Katara's not such a Mary-Sue after all."

* * *

Ha HA!


	3. The Sidekick That Wasn't So Sidekicky

**The Sidekick That Wasn't So Sidekick-y**

_Lt. Commander Richie

* * *

_

It was either an effeminate boy or an extremely tomboyish girl that set off Sky High's metal detectors THAT morning. The teen removed two hooked swords, fifteen shruiken, a whole belt of weighted throwing knives and a katana before setting off the metal detector AGAIN, and removing a metal belt buckle. The only thing out of the pile that was allowed to be kept was the belt buckle. Being halfway through the year and that particularly dangerous-looking teenager's first day, the result was a private Power Placement that ended in a ringing set of ears and a Sidekick placement. The shaggy mess of brown hair that was held slightly behind a blue headband obscured most of that particular student's face for the rest of the four periods until Lunch. So when THIS black-wearing, weapon-toting, karate-knowing teenager came into the lunchroom, the whole room got quiet because the entire student body had heard about how that particular black-wearing, weapon-toting, karate-knowing teenager had already killed three people and had out-of-control powers that could take out the whole school if said teenager wished to. However, this teen just wanted to be left in peace. Therefore, once rump met bench at the emptiest table in the lunchroom, the wish was _not _granted. _Thank you_, Murphy.

"I'm going to skip saying 'Oh great, _another _one' and get straight to the point. Are you a gay Marty-Stu with pyrokinesis that I eventually hook up with? Not that I have anything against Gays, half my extended family I have doubts about, but still. Are you?" The boy asking was met with a glare.

"I'm a GIRL, numbnuts." The black-wearing, weapon-toting, karate-knowing teenager said in an even voice, before taking a bite of sandwich.

"Oh, so you're one of the ones that are armed to the teeth, have bad pasts because they killed their rapist fathers and then still get accepted to Sky High even though they have Murder One on their permanent records?" The boy continued his questioning, now sitting in front of the black-wearing girl.

"Armed to the teeth, yes. Accepted to Sky High, yes. Killed a rapist father and now have Murder One on my rap sheet? No. Now go bother someone who cares. Like the wall." The girl muttered, taking another bite of sandwich.

"Oh great, another one." This time a girl in green said it, and the boy sitting across from the currently being interrogated girl cringed and slapped his forehead with a leather-gloved hand.

"He's not a Marty-Stu, is he?" A boy this time, in bright yellows.

"No, _he _is a _she_, and _she _doesn't like the way this conversation is going." The girl commented just loud enough for the rapidly growing group to hear. Now the entire table was hosting herself, the green chick, leather boy, Captain America junior, a light bulb, a girl in chains and dark colors and a boy in orange and green.

"_Really_ now? That must be because it's steering in the direction of the account of Murd-" Captain America was cut off by leather boy.

"Save it, guys. Already interrogated her." The entire table groaned, like they were missing out on their daily allotment of entertainment or something.

"So... What's your _name_? Alice, Maria, Andreah?" The girl in purples asked through a bite of home-packed lunch.

"Smellerbee." The black-wearing, weapon-toting, karate-knowing girl replied without missing a beat.

"That's GOT to be an assumed name. I got it right the first time, didn't I?" The girl in chains and purples asked, the entire table dumbfounded at her name.

"Nope. My dad was high and my mother was zonked when they named me. Kind of like those random names like 'Warren' or 'Magenta'." Smellerbee continued off on a tangent, ignoring the snickers coming from everyone BUT leather boy and chain girl.

"You're a telepath, aren't you?" The boy in orange and green choked out between insane giggles.

"Nope. Sidekick, fast reflexes." Smellerbee said nonchalantly, starting to get up to throw what was left of her food away.

"Wait just a minute now! How do we know you told the truth to ANY of our questions? Your name probably isn't Smellerbee, and you probably ARE a boy with pyrokinetic powers after Warren!" The girl in green said, an idea hitting her like a mallet.

"For the love of... You know what? Here!" Smellerbee dropped her tray onto the table, pulled out her bandanna, grabbed the closest free boy (who happened to be wearing a tan baseball cap and a red white and blue striped hoodie and was in Hero class for his ability to create a wooden bow out of anything wooden) and kissed him hard. On the lips. He adopted a goofy grin and slouched over.

"Hope you didn't have a girlfriend, bub, 'cuz you're mine now!" Said Smellerbee, grinning at the faces of the group at the next table over.

* * *

There you go, satiating my Smellershot craving until further notice. 


	4. Key Whattywhat?

**Key Whatty-What?**

_©®™ Lt. Commander Richie_

((BINGE))

_Chapter 1

* * *

_

"You're kidding."

"Nope!"

Before you ask, the conversation was not between a would-be Mary Sue and Warren. Far from it. It was between Magenta and Zach. The duo was watching a series of three people that were chatting idly seven tables away.

"Those three aren't canon." Magenta couldn't believe her ears. Well, actually she could. The two on the left were dressed strange enough, all wacky colors and silver and shoulder guards and chains. The one on the right looked normal enough for the fact that she looked like she had just gotten up and put clothes on and walked out the door without brushing her hair.

"Eyup." Zach confirmed, taking a bite of Lasagna. Magenta rolled her eyes and held out one hand as she saw the stranger-dressed girl get up with her tray. She began counting down fingers as the girl got closer, hitting one as she reached the nearly completely empty table.

Magenta began opening her mouth to begin protesting yet another person sitting down, but the pink-clad maroon-haired girl simply passed the table and emptied her tray into the trashcan across the room. The girl began her way back, and Magenta began counting down on her fingers again. But the pink-clad girl simply went back to her original seat.

"What're you staring at?" Another of her friends asked, setting his Sidekick Sub next to Zach's home-packed Lasagna.

"The non-canon people over there, Ethan. Where's everyone else?" Magenta asked her friends.

"Layla had to show a group of girls around the campus, Will is poking something black and mushy with a stick and Warren's in the detention room for getting caught at poking the black mushy thing with a stick." Ethan said, adjusting his clip-on tie before taking a bite of Sub.

"Black mushy thing?" A surprised voice asked. Not recognizing it, all three turned from where they had been looking out the window at the clouds. It was the non-canon boy that was sitting with the two non-canon girls. He was decked out in black, red and yellow with chains of crowns looping from his pants. Around his neck was a chain necklace with a crown on it.

"Yeah. It's none of your business, either. So go back to your table, man." Zach said, swallowing a bit of Lasagna and wiping the leftover sauce from his face.

"M'kay." The brunette said, tracing the maroon-haired girl's steps and depositing his tray in the proper receptacle. As he came back across the room, taking a different route, several female canon extras made as if to allow him at their table. Magenta sighed, twirling a lock of purple hair around one finger boredly.

"I don't get it." She finally said, slamming a fist to the table and making her carton of milk skitter away from her tray. She angrily grabbed the little cardboard carton and took a long gulp from it.

"What's not to get? He's and his girlfriends are obviously not gonna cause harm." Ethan pointed out. Zach swallowed his last bit of Lasagna and took a drink of Chocolate Milk.

"He's only got one girlfriend. The dude's makin' googly eyes at the redhead, not the other brunette." He pointed out, squinting one eye and pointing with the hand holding his Milk. Magenta and Ethan both nodded in understanding, watching as the brunette girl got up, adjusted her shirt's hood and began walking towards the trashcan. It was at about that time that Will walked into the lunchroom, the little black mushy thing clasped in both hands in front of him. It appeared to be an animal with antennae and yellow eyes, and it was wriggling occasionally. The girl dropped her tray when she set her eyes on it, and yelled.

"Sora!" The whole room quieted down, and the non-canon boy whipped his head around. In a surprising display of gymnastics he jumped onto the table and practically leaped across the room. He landed next to the brunette girl, who was now holding what looked like a giant key made of computer parts with a power cord hanging off the end. Will, in his surprise, dropped the little black mushy thing.

"I swear, whatever it is you guys think I did to you or your parents, I didn't do it!" He cried out, attempting to get into yet another ill-fated battle-ready pose.

"We're not after you." Sora said, his own giant silver and gold key with a Mickey Mouse head on a chain hanging off the end in his hands. In a flash he jumped forward and smote the little black mushy thing. A little heart floated up out of the black smear the little critter now was, before disappearing.

"We were after that. Why is it that _you _always smite those Shadows? I can smite them just fine. So can Kairi." The brunette girl with the giant computer part key said, leaning on her key.

"Oh give up, Caitlin. Stop rambling. You were the one striking the pose." The redhead, Kairi, said. Magenta disentangled herself from her seat, making her way slowly across the lunchroom. Ethan and Zach both followed.

"What's going _on_? This can't possibly be right! This is supposed to be making fun of Mary Sues! Not smiting little black blobs of whatever with giant keys! Who _are _you people?" Will asked, confused. Kairi smiled and shook one of his still-proferred-in-battle-pose hands.

"Hi! I'm Kairi. The boy in black is Sora, and the girl in white is Caitlin. Sorry for the trouble. Are there any more of those things around?" Kairi asked, smiling sweetly. Her eyes suddenly opened wide, and she did a flip over Will. A yellow blade with flowers decorating it appeared in her hand and she smote yet another of the mushy things with it. A little heart floated upwards with a flourish.

"I'll take that as a yes! Sora, get Donald and Goofy on the horn and see if this place has been sealed yet!" Caitlin said, jumping forward and slamming her key into another of the Shadows. She and Kairi were now back-to-back, smashing the suddenly appearing little critters with fervor. All around them students were on tables, using their powers to smack the little Shadows.

"It hasn't been sealed!" Sora yelled over the din of a few of the Magic-using students shouting out their spell words. Magenta was standing on a table with Ethan and Zach, and she was kicking a Heartless in the head. It squeaked in protest, and spat a fireball at her. She screamed in surprise and fell backwards

"Sora, these aren't normal Heartless!" Kairi yelled, smacking one on the head with her Keyblade and only getting a fireball spat at her. Suddenly the ground began to shake as the floor rippled outward, the Heartless hit by the blast disappearing in puffs of black shadow and the rising of crystalline hearts. Will stood in the middle of the circle of destruction, cracking his knuckles. A sudden wave of Heartless disappeared in blasts of shadow and hearts as vines were thrown through the windows, striking through the heads of the little antennae'd beings. A sonic blast ripped through a group of heartless, a giant rocky being with his hands placed together in front of him at the sending end of the blast.

"Way to go, Larry!" A girl complimented, placed inside by a tree branch. A bunch of the Heartless turned her way, and the redhead blanched. A group of the little black beings lunged for her in what appeared to be anger. In a sudden blast of fire, a Hispanic girl in a green and black striped shirt slid to Layla's rescue. The whole group of Heartless fell to the fiery wrath of Victoria Renandez.

"So now what do we do?" Victoria asked, shooting flames at a few more Heartless as she made her way towards the trio with the Keyblades that were having, surprisingly, little to no luck destroying the monsters.

"We need to get the help of the teachers! C'mon, to the staff room!" Layla said, pointing to the door.

"What ever happened to a nice, _normal_ Mary Sue parody?" Magenta asked Zach. The blond shrugged and followed the main group of Heroes towards the door.

* * *

**And I'll leave it at that. I'll probably put a part 2 on this... Eventually. It's too much fun NOT to. I'll work on it for the next couple days and get back to y'all.**


	5. High School's Dirges

**High School Dirges**

_©®™ Lt. Commander Richie_

_((Warning: Yuffentine hints))_

* * *

Warren, after having been released from his Detention for torching someone's locker (after a freak incident involving Cheese Wiz), was not at all surprised to see a bunch of people he had never seen before in his life sitting at his table in the lunchroom. First his mind went to Mary Sues. Then he realized that they were exchange students. Still, he sat down at the other end of the table and began picking at his salad. Soon enough the students left, and Warren was left in peace. 

That pun was totally not intended. I swear.

However, once lunch had ended, Warren had placed his milk carton in the Recycling bin like Layla had conditioned him to (otherwise she would totally flip her lid) and put his tray in the proper receptacle, and was just about to head out the door when he realized something. His wallet was missing. He patted himself down, becoming frantic. That thing had EVERYTHING in it! His money, his Student ID, his Metahuman Greencard...

"Crap." The pyro muttered, and made his way sullenly towards the Office to file a claim.

* * *

"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk..." A Senior-looking girl in a strange ensemble of blue, black and beige flipped to the ground from an air duct, landing soundlessly. She flipped through the contents of the wallets she had stolen, grinning at the Student ID in one. It showed a dark and broody guy with long black hair. 

"Yuffie, I hope you plan on giving the wallets back with their contents intact." Another Senior, this time with long brown hair tied back in a braid and wearing pretty much all pink, said. Yuffie (the girl from the air duct) spun around in surprise.

"By Leviathan, Aeris! You almost gave me a heart attack!" The black-haired girl said, hiding the three wallets she had swiped behind her back.

"I'm sorry, Yuffie. But you need to give them back." Aeris asserted, and this time her voice possessed a bit of an echo. Yuffie sighed and began pacing. When she reached the wall, she walked up it parallel to the ground.

"Fine, fine. But you won't be able to stop the Great Ninja Yuffie Kisaragi for lo-OW!" The self-proclaimed Ninja had managed to hit her head on the air duct she had dropped from. In the process she dropped all three of the wallets she had had behind her back. Aeris knelt and picked them up, looking at the Student Ids. One of the wallets, made of hemp with flowers growing FROM it, had a picture of a redheaded girl with a large smile. The second was white with red and blue stripes, and had a kind of geeky-looking guy with a sheepish smile plastered on the ID. The final wallet was black, made of leather, had painted-on red claw marks on it, and had a spiked silver chain hanging from it. The picture inside was of a broody dark-haired boy with a long and messy 'do.

"Oh, Yuffie, why'd you steal from _him _of all people?" Aeris asked. Yuffie took the three wallets and hung them from her belt; turning down the hall, she looked over her shoulder.

"Because I wanted to prove to him that I'm not worthless." The ninja grinned and saluted, before taking off down a side hallway towards the Office. Behind her, Aeris sighed.

"She doesn't know what she's getting into." The Senior sighed, and headed back towards the Detention room.

* * *

"Name please." The school's Secretary was a monotonous old woman with pointed glasses on a bead string and clad in polka dots. Even if her face was old, slightly pudgy and very wrinkled, her hands moved at super speed while typing. 

"Warren Peace." Warren supplied, casting a glance around the room. There were three other students, Layla, Will and a Senior he didn't recognize sitting in the Office's Waiting Room.

"Complaint, report or claim?" The Secretary asked. Warren's attention snapped back to the old woman.

"Claim." He supplied once more.

"Was something lost, stolen, vaporized, frozen, charred or otherwise by another student, yourself included?" The Secretary asked, still typing at super speed.

"I lost my wallet." The pyro said. The Secretary nodded, leaned down and retreived a large plastic bin of lost items.

"Please describe the lost article in question." The woman said in her monotonous voice.

"Uh, lesse..." Warren thought hard. "It was on a silver chain, it's black, and it's got a logo on the front..."

Just then, the door was slammed open, and another Senior, albeit a rather short one, stormed in. She had short-cropped black hair tied back with a headband, and was dressed in the weirdest assemblyment of blue, black and beige he had ever seen.

"Oh man, don't tell me it's another 'Sue..." Warren began, but paused as the girl completely ignored him and squealed.

"Vinnie!" She yelled, jumping at the guy Warren had never seen before. The guy pretty much laid back and accepted the fact that he had just been tackleglomped with enough force to break a rib or two. The guy, Vinnie's, left hand came up and patted the girl on the head. The hand was encased in a bulky gold metal Power Gauntlet, and looked difficult to move.

"Hello, Yuffie." The guy choked out. Yuffie jumped up, bowed deeply, and reached into her back pocket to pull out a black wallet with a spiked chain on it.

"Sorry I stole your wallet, Vincent." The girl said, proffering the article in mention. Just as quickly, Yuffie bowed to the other two denizens of the Office's Waiting Room. "Yours and yours too, both of you."

With that, the Ninja girl handed the duo their wallets. Content with their recoveries, Layla and Will both left the Office without a word. Warren turned back to the Secretary, who had three chain wallets on the desk in front of her.

"Are any of these articles the aforementioned article?" The woman asked. Warren looked, nodded, and immediately snatched up a black canvas wallet with a metal Batman logo on the front. He rifled through it, finding his Discount Sushi card, his Driver's License and all his money still in place (as well as his other effects).

"Thanks!" The pyro nodded, and headed out the door.

* * *

**HAH! Led you on! Sorry I haven't updated the Kingdom Hearts one, but inspiration for this struck me like... The weight of more bricks than charred bodies in Niblheim. Oh well. I wanted to see how well I could lead people on, and I think I did pretty well!**

And if not? Well, I satesfied my Yuffentine cravings for the next ten minutes.


	6. Boobage Says What?

**Boobage-Say-What?**

_©®™ Lt. Commander Richie_

**Disclaimer:**_Refrain from trying to kill me. Because, if it isn't painfully clear, this is making fun of 'Sues with big boobs.  
_

_... Don't ask._

* * *

"How many girls are there at this school?" Will Stronghold turned to Ethan Bennet and Zach Fair, swallowing his lump of Turkey Thursdays impromptu-sandwich before speaking again. "And how many of them have anything to do with us?"

"Dude, like... Half the peeps at this school are chicks." Zach said, loading something that looked like stuffing and gravy into a roll with potatoes and turkey. "An' 'sides Maj and Layla? None of 'em have anything to do with us."

"... Where's Warren?" Ethan piped up, swallowing his food and wiping gravy off his hands with a paper napkin. "He said he would come back after saying something about a monster outside, but a bunch of 'Sues were coming around the corner, and-" The human Popsicle was cut off rather abruptly as a strawberry-blond woman spotted the three Freshmen and squealed rather loudly.

"Taichō!" She screamed, before jumping at the three of them. Will and Ethan ducked under the table, but were surprised when Zach didn't join them. Cautiously, the two peered out from under their lunches to see the woman embracing the tall and gangsta-esque teen in a large bear hug that involved drowning in her massive cleavage. The human glowstick finally managed to push her off of him, gulping in deep breaths of fresh air.

"AIR!" He gasped gleefully, sighing. The woman that had given him the hug looked puzzled, raising an eyebrow at him.

"You're not my 'Shirō-chan, are you?" She asked, and before any of them could answer she laughed and waved, before running back towards the table she had come from. Will tried to get a better look at the people she was sitting back down with, but Layla sat down in front of him and blocked his view.

"So, Zach... Who was she?" The redhead asked, smiling and pointing her fork at the still-gasping blond.

"That's Rangiku. She and her buddies are visiting for the day." A disgruntled Magenta said, sitting down across from Zach and completely blocking his view of the visiting group of students. From what he had seen, there were a bunch of Seniors, a couple Freshmen and one kid that looked like he should be in Elementary still.

"She has the biggest freaking boobs I have ever seen." Will said, his mouth open with his turkey-and-stuffing sandwich halfway to it. Layla promptly slapped him very, very hard. 

"You're welcome." She muttered, picking at her salad. An orange-haired girl in a long white dress and holding a tray filled with a very odd assortment of food came up to the table-side, a bit nervous and looking around as though she was trying to find someone.

"Ano..." She began, "do you know where I could find-" The entire group pointed in the direction of the table Rangiku had run towards, and she smiled before running in that direction. 

"You know, Warren's usually here by now." Ethan observed, looking at the clock mounted on the wall and covered by a cage to prevent it from being broken or tampered with. As though he had said magic words, one of the cafeteria walls exploded inward. A figure flew through it, impacting several of the ceiling support columns before sticking into the opposite wall. It was Warren, and he looked pretty angry.

"Of all the days..." He muttered, jumping to the floor and shaking plaster dust off his coat. "It's freaking Turkey Thursday! Can't I have a normal day for once?" His answer came in the form of a woman in white jumping through the hole in the wall, long green hair flowing behind her as she landed on the table with all the visiting students. On her head was a ram's skull with two large horns curling down the sides of her face.

"Well, she certainly belongs there." Layla muttered, narrowing her eyes at the woman's impressive chest. "Let Warren take care of the 'Sue. With a hat like that, she should be gone in a few minutes." She turned back to her meal, chomping ruthlessly on a croûton.

"Where is he?" The green-haired woman asked, her hand going to a sword on her back. Suddenly, she found herself aimed at by at least five pairs of hands and a multitude of angry-looking people.

"Who the hell're you talking about? I don't even know who you are." Warren walked up to the table she stood at the end of, raising an eyebrow at the people sitting there that were all preparing attacks.

"... Nel?" One of the guys looked up, stopping the frantic search he was conducting of the contents of his pockets and looking up at the green-haired woman. She promptly screamed in glee and tackled him head-on.

"Destructive Art 33! Blue Fire, Rain Down!" One of the girls at the table called out, a ball of blue fire flying from her hands and impacting the green-haired woman in the back of the head. Warren jumped back in surprise as the woman, Nel, jumped to her feet and whirled around. Of course, it helped a bit that all of the people at the table suddenly jumped out of their bodies and had swords pointed at her.

"What the hell?" The pyrokinetic yelled, jumping backwards in a rather undignified manner. One of the visitors paused, turning to him as people began running out of the cafeteria.

"You can see us?" The white-haired kid asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why wouldn't I be able to? Everyone else here can see you too, I'll bet!" That seemed to be true, since people all around the room were now slowing their stampede and openly staring at the group of visitors. A redhead with a massive amount of tattoos slapped his forehead before kicking the shin of the boy that Nel had glomptackled.

"You idiot! You gave them all reiatsu poisoning!" He yelled, only to get whacked upside the head by the same girl that had fire the blue fireball from her hand.

"He couldn't give them all reiatsu poisoning, Renji! He's only been here since this morning!" She said, but her angry demeanor was offset by the fact that she was standing on the top of the table and still having trouble reaching his head.

"How long have you been able to see spirits?" The white-haired kid asked, only half of his attention on Warren as he leveled his sword at the green-haired woman that had abandoned menacing the people around her and had taken up boob-hugging the poor guy she had tackled. The teen managed to separate his face from her cleavage, apparently using all his strength to keep her from pulling him back in.

"Guys, she's harmless. Her name's Neliel." Nel finally managed to pull the hapless teen back into her suffocating hug, cooing at him all the while.

"I suppose if she was working for Aizen, she would have already tried to take us all out..." Rangiku trailed off, tapping her chin with one manicured nail. There were murmurs of assent throughout the group, and flashes of light as they climbed back into their bodies and coughed up small green candies. Warren still stood there, blinking in confusion, before shrugging and heading for the lunch line.

"What the hell was that?" Layla asked, dropping her fork into her yogurt and getting ranch dressing everywhere.

"Eloquent." Magenta mocked, and was met with a smack on the arm. Will was still blinking, turkey and stuffing falling from his bun that he had halfway to his mouth.

"That was amazing." He finally said, receiving another slap to the face.

* * *

_Just how many women ARE there in Bleach with giant boobage? Too many. And the ones without major boobage all have abandonment issues coughSoiFongcough_.


End file.
